Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Sometimes, I want all control.  Sometimes, if I don't get my way I can be just a bit ugly.  Sometimes, I want my way no matter what.  Sometimes, I don't ask God his plan.  Sometimes, I get hurt trying to do things all on my own.  

As you all know I want a baby. And you all know we had a reversal.  And you all know I have been praying about this for sometime now.  I can't come to you with great news today because this month I am not pregnant.  I will admit I thought I would be.  I know all the right "CHRISTIAN" things to say"God's in control", "His plan is better than my plan", but I really thought we would be one of those rare cases that get pregnant the first time they tried, I am a little surprised just how heart broken I was today, finding out I am not...  I really wanted God to do this my way, I really believed that he would because we flew all the way to Texas an all, and just when I started to get mad.  God spoke- But I sent my Son to earth (way farther than Texas) and He died for you and all your children...  My word says The plans I have for you are to prosper you and not to harm you to give you a hope and a future.  

But God how do I give you total control?  How do I leave this up to you?  How do I leave the hurt at the cross, and the guilt of the vasectomy in the first place and just live each day thankful for the children you have already given me, not thinking of the one we don't have yet?  And how do I wait with Grace for your timing?  

I'm not sure I know the answers to the questions I wrestled with today, But I do know God's plan is better than mine, even when it hurts.  I do know I that I have 3 beautiful healthy children. I do know I have a wonderfully supportive husband who loves me more than anything in the world.

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