Well, there is more than one way....

I last blogged about how my wonderful church family surrounded HD and I with love and prayers, helping us to step into the forgiveness God had given us from our past mistakes.  

Over the last two blogless months, we have traveled and spent time with family and friends.  First the kids and I went and visited Dana and the babies up in DC we went for a week, we swam and had a great time.  During our visit we met a family at the pool who our kids played with.  It was so much fun.

We came home just in time to have our annual 4th of July party, we had my brother and sister in law, and their children, Dana and Joe and Babies, and our Soldier girl Regan, as well as our family and friends from here, for a big party.  It was so much fun!  Except for the part where my niece "C" choked really choked on a War head candy, I had to do the Heimlich maneuver on her, word of advice this candy is so sour that at 6 it locked her jaw and she almost choked to death, very scary!  Thank you Mr. Heimlich for your maneuver.

Let me back track I get away with myself, I have so little time to blog these days I want to type as fast as I can before a child needs me....

Over the last few months, after we asked our group for prayer, yet again our hearts are changing, funny how when you give God control he takes it!  See my wonderful husband came to me a few weeks after we had the Wed. night prayer and asked me if I ever thought the reason we weren't pregnant yet was because God really wanted us to adopt?  I said " Well I hadn't really thought about it, I kind of feel like that's the last resort."  At this point he says I think maybe it's supposed to be the first resort...  WHAT?  HD goes on to explain that he is feeling God leading us to adopt, we know we really want a little girl we want Daisy to have a sister so much, and we feel like we should already have a child, I often feel like a 2 year old girl is missing?  So maybe just maybe God wants us to adopt our child and then and only then will he continue with his plans for us, to either get pregnant or not...  HD admitted to me he has always felt like we should adopt and if I was to get pregnant right now he would never seek out to adopt a 5th child ( he would like us to be able to eat) but if we adopt and then go on to have 5 or more children he would be fine with that!  WOW!  I have to say yet again, my husband is wonderful, a man who is totally happy with 3 kids, has a vasectomy reversal because he loves his wife so much, and now God has went on to show him that not only is he willing to have one more but all that God has for us is just what we both want.

 I have to tell you that it has been a whirl wind, we have looked into the Foster program in our state, with children who's parents, parental rights have been terminated and are for adoption, we are going to get the process started on that end.  We also found out that HD's company will give us 10,ooo$ toward the adoption of any child, infant or older.  We know that we want a girl, we also know she needs to be younger than Daisy.  To tell you the truth, I really have started to feel like my daughter is already born, and an urgency to go get her has formed in my heart.  

After our 4th of July party HD had to go out of town for 2 weeks and when he got this job and stopped traveling we made a commitment to always be together, so when Daddy goes we go!  So off we went back to DC. so I had 2 more weeks of fun swimming and playing and visiting Dana.  I spoke earlier of some people we met at the pool well, one day she mentioned her child's birth mother and my heart skipped a beat, I said "did you say birth mother" You know how when anything big is going on in you life you like to find people who have already walked this road and pick their brain, God placed this woman in my path and she was more than willing to fill me in on the whole process.  She told me of an agency in our State Capital who deals with foster adoption, infant adoption and placement.  I just know God put us together.  

I am making a phone call this morning to this agency and I am praying that his will be done.  I am now ready to start this process and I am ready for what God has for us.  I am sure this will be a long road, but no longer than the waiting I have already be doing.  So for those few who still read this from time to time pray for us, pray we can help a little girl have a better life, pray for our children who ask God daily to give this family more children,  pray for me that I can remain calm and steadfast in this time.  Thank you.

Wednesday night

Last Saturday my sweet friend "K" came over to help me paint our kitchen (the kitchen is being remodeled and it in total disaster mode) I think in the 3 years that "K" and I have been best friends we have only ever been alone (with out 5-6 kids running around) one time.  Saturday we had it all planned out my mom watched my 3 and her mother in law watched her older children.  

Let me go back a bit further, when HD had his vasectomy reversal  the day we to fly out to TX "K" called me at the airport and she told me she was pregnant.  WOW I really at that moment thought of all the things we could do pregnant together, I would be a liar if I said that over the 9 months she was pregnant and I was still not that jealously crept in from time to time.

Now that little "H" is here he is such a joy!  In the last few months I however have felt so much pain by not being pregnant  that I have almost tried to distance myself from this little baby who if we wouldn't have been willing to share our story of pain and struggle after realizing that we had made a horrible mistake would not be here today, see "K" and her husband "Z" we going to have a vasectomy when we met them and our story touched their heart and now we have baby "H".  

Last Saturday as we sipped coffee and talked I held baby "H" and I told my sweet friend that I was so sorry because I have tried not to hold this little blessing because of the deep pain I feel in my heart....  She said she knew why I didn't hold him so much.  I was surprised because I thought I had done a good job of not talking about wanting a baby, I really don't want to be "That woman the woman who wants a baby bla bla bla"  I held baby "H" and just sobbed my sweet friend sobbed with me.  My heart was broken my heart is broken.  I told her how I try not to talk about it, that so many well meaning Christian friend have so many options about my fertility that its hard to talk about in small group or Sunday school.  I am tired of being told maybe you need to adopt or maybe God doesn't want you to have more children.  "K" encouraged me to talk to our small group to be real with them.  I felt healing start as I loved on this little baby, that day I decided I was not going to miss out on "H" being a baby because each time I have to hand him back I want to die inside, no I was going to love on this baby, I was going to let go and let God use me as part of his life.

Wednesday night on our way to church I asked HD to ask everyone to pray for us, I didn't want to do it I didn't want to cry I didn't want any opinions (although I myself always have one, hmmm that's not really fair is it).  When it was my turn to give prayer requests I asked for everyone to help us get our kitchen done and various things that were of no real importance to me and at the very last I asked for prayer for HD and I to have a baby, I did say that this was really hard for us and that I was struggling as soon as I started to get choked up I stopped talking.  At that point a very Godly man who is also a Prosecuting Attorney asked me a question I was afraid might be asked he asked me very kindly how do you know God wants you to have more children,  this story I had never shared with our group, I have a hard time talking about it its painful, I like to be the happy one in the room not the grieving one not the one ready to cry the moment the mention of a baby comes up, I want to be the life of the party....

So with apprehension I started to talk.  I told our group how with our first child we found out I had an infertility disease and might never have children but after 2 years of pain and fertility drugs we were blessed with our son Luke.  I told how when we were visiting Chicago we went to a prayer meeting and out of the blue a pastor came to me and asked if he could pray for me that pastor changed our life that day, he told us "God is going to heal your womb"  and I told our group that at that very moment I saw a silhouette of 4 children, I told our group how I was healed and had our next 2 children with no problem.  At this point I was really struggling to talk I felt not only a knot in my throat but a knot in my heart.  I told our group how when our baby girl was only 6 months old I was at Sams club and with a 4 year old who started throwing up a 2 year old who fell out of the cart and an infant who just had a blowout in her diaper, I made a call to the doctor and scheduled HD's vasectomy from the parking lot, I shared how we didn't ask God we did it, I pushed HD to do it.  I shared with this group how I carry the guilt of killing our 4th child, the guilt of ending the lives of the children God wanted for us.

I went on and shared how very quickly after his vasectomy I knew how wrong I had been not only for wanting HD to have a vasectomy but for pushing him to do it, not letting HD lead our family.  I told how I then asked and begged for over 6 months for HD to have a reversal, and how one day late summer he pulled the car over after one of my tearful begging sessions and HD told me never to ask him again he was so over it, he had a very painful surgery because I wanted him to, he has given in and done alot of things I have wanted him to but not this time. He was happy with the 3 children we had he wanted me to focus on them and never to ask him again as long as we lived!  I didn't ever ask again, I prayed, I prayed that God would change MY heart and take away the desire to have more children or change HD's heart.  Six months later HD came to me and told me God has changed my heart and I want to have children with you, we were wrong, he explained that he was happy with our 3 children but he knew that I would always miss the child God showed us on that day may years before, he explained how he would be happy with our family if it was 3 kids or 4 kids or more, he felt blessed....  so as you know we had the reversal and after 15 months we are still not pregnant.  

As I told our story every face in the room changed, I do not know what the opinions of this group were before I told this story but I do know after I was done they too knew that God's plan was for us to have more children.  I am very thankful for this Godly man who asked some questions, that he really wanted to understand why I was asking for prayer why I felt so sure, it's easy to have surface prayers and not really share when you have shame and quilt, its hard to open up and admit that some days you don't want to get out of bed, its hard to admit that you only act like the life of the party, you are really hurting inside.  At that point something very amazing happened the whole reason for this post.

Our leader stood up and asked HD and I to come to the middle of the room and let everyone place hands on us and pray.  I can not tell you how humbled I felt, we came to the middle of this group and with open hearts they took turns praying for us, praying for God to wipe away the lies Satan has put in my head about not being a good enough mother, the lies that we won't have children again, the lies that I am not good enough lies I didn't really realize I had been believing.  They prayed and plead with the Lord on our behalf, I felt like with each tear that fell, the pain eased, I felt with each tear that fell I gave God control.

I realized that over the last 15 months I have always tried to be in control, I have wanted to have a child like right now because our kids are getting older and I have always had a plan I have spent very little time really wanted Gods time.  I really today feel free, I feel like I am so blessed with the 3 children I have and I really want Gods time, it is perfect.  I feel lighter, I know there will be days I will feel guilty but I will remember I am not I am forgiven.

We are so blessed with our church family, we are blessed with a church who believes in the power of prayer we are blessed with Godly men who will ask questions to make sure your heart is in the right place, we have a teaching and preaching staff who teach biblical principals.  HD and I left our group knowing God is going to continue to bless this family.  We are a blessed family.

I do not know when God will give us the desire of our hearts I don't even know how, but I do know we are open, if its our own child or an adopted child, we are open, we are not in control Thank God....

I'm alive!

Blog friends I really do miss you all, are you all there anymore or have you left my lack of blogging all together?  I have found times in the last year where I never had trouble blogging I had endless ideas and other times where you all were my dearest friends.  I have to tell you that lately I can't come up with one thing to write about.  Not at all because I'm not busy but because I am so busy.  More than anything I am so fulfilled in our new church, I knew back in November that something was missing a void of sorts.  Now I realize I was very lonely, I longed for more friendships with women in our church and this blog filled that void, but lets face it most of you don't even know my real name.  I was so lonely.

This last 2 months have been the best months I have had in years.  My children are making friends and can't wait until we go to church and my husband is making friendships and going to men's bible study and he is also so happy.

I do feel bad for the lack of blogging because you all have encouraged me in bad times and laughed with me during happy times, you all have been a source of comfort when I didn't even know why I was so sad.  Thank you.  Although I can't promise to blog daily I am sure I don't want this part of my life to end.  I have found in the last year that I love writing, I love reading your blogs.

So let me tell you some exciting things going on in our life.  We are having a Chili cook off and pie bake off contest this Saturday at our church, we are also having a snow day, our church has rented a snow making machine and we are going to have a snow day.  I am entering 2 pies into the contest, I will post the recipe this week and HD is making his famous Texas chili.  My mom is going to enter a white chicken chili also.

We are still not pregnant and sadly it has been a year since HD had a vasectomy reversal, I will say I am becoming less hopeful as time passes.  I also find that I have more peace as time passes also, see I know God wants me to be a mother again and I feel like God is leading my heart into different directions, I keep feeling like maybe we are to adopt maybe a 2 year old girl.  I can't believe I am sharing this with you all but I really need your prayers for so long I have wanted to be pregnant and to nurse a baby and hold my own child but when it all comes down to it, none of that really matters I feel like if I can't have one maybe someone already has, and God wants us to open our hearts and home to a child that really needs us.  Please pray for HD and I as we pray about this journey and ask God to lead us completely into his will for  our family.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday!   We are having freezing rain today so hopefully we don't lose our power!

By the way did I mention

I am continuing to clean and prepare for our Fourth of July guests, you would think that the house wouldn't be dirty enough to take days to clean by since I shared my dirty car with you, you all know the truth...  Really I'm kidding!  The reason I'm cleaning like the house is for sale is because it's the first time in 7 years that my Mother in law has come to visit, and she is the kind of person who you could eat off her floors has a very clean house.  To say the least I have been working myself to death, and my sweet friend Ruby Wife reminded me yesterday that I need to be me.  I am taking a deep breath, and trying to relax.

Did I mention that my Mother and Father in law are divorced?  They haven't spent more that 2 hours at any family function together and they are both going to be staying at our house for 3 and 1/2 days.  And did I mention they don't like each other?  So I have just realized this house could be a disaster and she probably won't notice.

And did I mention that she is one of the best cooks I've ever met?  She taught me to cook, she makes wonderful food and I feel the pressure, for real people.  Not because she has ever said anything about my cooking, she actually says that the things I make are great, but because I am known for my cooking and she is known for her cooking...

Ok so now that I have all that off my chest, did I mention that if I am not pregnant this month that HD has to have his sperm level checked, and that I am so trying to lay this at God's feet.  When HD had the vasectomy he never went back for his check up (sperm level) and our insurance covers the check up.  So I don't know what to do, I can be totally honest and ask if they will honer the check up even though he has since had a vasectomy reversal, or we can go to the lab for a whopping $500 dollars.  I am of course praying that we will become pregnant this month, but also asking for God's will not mine.

So I think I have been feeling more stress this week that the whole year!  And I just wanted you all to know.  Please pray for me that I will keep a Godly perspective this week, and receive my Mother in law lovingly knowing this visit is alot harder for her than me.  And as far as the pregnancy, you all know I want to be pregnant.

Did I mention that my Mother in law does not read my blog thankfully?

I'm back

I have so many things to share about our trip but today I will talk about Daddy.  He is had his surgery on Monday.  The surgery went really well.

But what I want to talk about is how amazing an experience it is to have a Doctor pray with you and how he blessed us so much.  When we arrived at the Doctors office Dr. Leverett's wife was waiting for us, she watched our children while Daddy had the surgery.  Dr Leverett then sat down with us to have a little talk, at this point he said he wanted to talk to me...  He said that I needed to understand that I have a husband who loves me more than anything in the world, that for a man to go through this is the ultimate act of love, 30 minutes later I understood why.  This procedure is very painful, see they have to grasp the testicle and make the initial cut then pull it out of the body THEN numb the area.  Yes, thats right you read that correct, this slows the swelling and gives the Dr the best look at the vas deference.  My husband is the most amazing man in the world.  I was able to hold his hand and talk to him while he went through this for our future child.  Dr. Leverett  prayed for Daddy's body to except the surgery and be restored to normal function quickly and the prayed for us to have a baby.

We talked and prayed, laughed and even cried as we shared our story to the Doctor.  I have always loved Daddy even as a 16 year old girl I loved him, the day we were married I knew I loved him more than anything, when we first held our son somehow my heart grew I loved him more and with each day and each child my heart for my husband strangely grew with more and more love for this man almost amazing that someone you would lay your life down for you can love more!  Monday as I held Daddy's hand as he went through this it happened once more, my heart grew by leaps and bounds, I am so blessed to have Daddy, so blessed he loves me as much as he does, so filled with joy for our life together, so in love with this man.  If he never told me he loved me again I will always know and no act of romance would ever measure what he did on that table for the rest of my life,  the Doctor knows that allowing the wife to be a part of this surgery is a great part of his ministry, it is just amazing to their marriage!

I will tell you more about our trip tomorrow...  The Alamo, and then the car accident we were in and all the great food in TX....

Only 19 Days till VACATION

I call it a vacation just a little loosely due to the fact that at the end of our trip Daddy will be undergoing a 4 hour operation on well if you read this blog you know where....

Daddy has started to say things like "Only 19 days till we go and get me cut open" or "Are you sure?" Oh and I love this one "Only 19 days till I get to feel like I got kicked in the ******* by a mule!" I think he is as excited as I am....

I have never been to TX and with Daddy being from Dallas we are really excited.

The boys have a rude awakening though, as we were talking about our trip at dinner last night the boys started talking about what they wanted to do in TX and it then occurred to us that they have visions of wild mustangs, roping cowboys, rolling tumble weed across the plains and of course some wild Indians....

Boy do they have a rude awakening coming...

So Only 19 days I can't wait, and statistics say that I could even be pregnant in as early as 2 weeks after the surgery. 

Snuggle

I just realized it has been almost a week and I haven't even blogged one single time...

I sit here now Snuggling Bo he just loves to be held, when Luke was 2 he found his independence and no longer wanted to be held and Daisy likes to be held on her time and her terms...  But Bo he loves me to hold him.  He still creeps into our room every single night around 4 or 5 am and crawls into bed with his pillow and blanket he crawls in close and snuggles up with me, you might think this would be bothersome or interrupt my sleep but to hold my beloved little growing boy is just wonderful.  I drink in the smell of his hair and feel the slow rhythmic breathing and fall into deep sleep with my wonderful husband holding me on one side and my sweet boy on the other I sleep well.

After our battle with infertility with Luke I never thought I would have more children, I even for a time excepted that.  Until that summer the summer of 2002 when Daddy and I visited his Aunt in Chicago and we attended a church healing service at the end of the service we went up and introduced ourselves to her pastor and he said right then on the spot May I pray for you.  Well sure you can we said,  being such a large church he know nothing of our struggles with infertility so as he began to pray and said " GOD WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE IS GOING TO HEAL YOUR WOMB YOU WILL HAVE CHILDREN"  you can only imagine the rush of emotions we both had.  At that very moment I saw a silhouette of four children.  I have know that I was to have four children from that moment on.  Even through we didn't do as God wished I have always know I was to have four children.  So you can imagine why this vasectomy reversal is so important to us...  I pray daily for our fourth child, beliveing God will bless us with his plan.

We returned home from Chicago now with a renewed spirit no longer questioning if we would have more children but wondering how, will we use more medicine, whats next.  

One week later I had my first period YES you read that right, it was my first real not medically induced period, it lasted for 5 days I was like am I going to bleed to death or what.

30 days later period number 2 I now know God has healed my womb.  We tried to get pregnant in October and We did...

On November 22, 2003 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, I have bought so many had so many no no no's that I just wept and thanked God I will have Children.  Our beautiful boy was born on July 16th 2003.

I do feel that All my children are miracles.  Bo is very special he is a renewing of my faith he is the beginning  of my healing he is my sweet boy.

And we snuggle still as I write.

Good Night.

Next Month

Well....  We made the appointment for the vasectomy reversal today!  We will go next month it was pretty amazing, the surgery will be on the same day only 2 years later as the original surgery.  So we get a chance to right our wrong on the same day we made the wrong only 2 years later.  I can't even begin to describe how I feel today, I am just so happy and joyful!  Daddy is just an amazing husband and his willingness to go through this, to have another child with me is an act of love that is taking are already wonderful marriage to a whole new level of deep compassion and love....

Now the big question is do we take the kids across the country with us or leave them with Aunt D and Uncle J?  I just don't know, we want to get away with each other and on the other hand want to have a little vacation with them.  We are going to pray about it I will let you know.

Oh and School was much better today, it was like all I needed to do was lay the ground rules and finale Luke got it MOMS NOT FULLING AROUND ANYMORE SHE MEANS BUSINESS!  So today has been a good day all the way around.  

Bo is having fun learning as well.  He is following along with Luke while we do flash cards its a win win situation Luke is teaching, Bo is learning and I am happy.  Daisy even repeats the flash cards as we go, I think she is the smartest 2 year old in the world and I am not even one bit prejudice!

Good Night and sleep well Blogging world..... 

We Did It!

Ok today was so big!  Really Really Big!  We refinanced our home in order to buy the land we want to build our new home on.  We have owned 3 homes now and will be building our 4th...  The greatest part about the whole thing is we have found a wonderful Christian Doctor in TX to do Daddy's vasectomy reversal.  It looks like we will be able to close on the refinance in late January and hopefully have the reversal done in February.  We have never had a get away like this before or at least since we have had children.  We will go for a long weekend starting on a Thurs-Tues.  I am just so excited!  What seemed like might take forever is coming together quite quickly!  I am so thankful to Daddy for first of all being able to contract and build our new home he is just The most handy smart and handsome man I have ever known!  I am Thankful he loves me enough to forgive me for asking and pushing him to have a vasectomy in the first place!  I am Thankful he wants more children and is willing to go through a not so pleasant experience to have one with me!  I am just very pleased today Very Blessed....

Family

I talked with Daddy again this morning about another baby... Daddy had a vasectomy a year ago last Feb. Lilu was only 7 months old. It was by my recommending that he had this done, I had been at SAMS CLUB, Bo got sick, Luke fell out of the cart and before we could even get to the car Hannah had a major blow out! I was so tired, I did not want more children I was done, so from the parking lot of SAMS I called and made Daddy the appt. When we went for the initial consultation I lied my way through all the questions, 1. are you sure you don't want anymore children(NO MORE) 2. Have you thought about this for sometime you are still very young(YES)3.what if one of your children dies will you still be ok with this decision(YES). I was not sure if I was really ready to make a life long decision about our family at 27 and 30 years old, I would never be ok with the death of a child and only having 2 children...
I started to feel horrible guilt when  Daisy turned 1, I thought it will pass, then around the fall I was just plagued with guilt I prayed for God to forgive me for asking Daddy to have a vasectomy and for not letting God plan our Family, I started getting rid of some of our baby things only to feel much worse about what we had done! I have since stopped asking God to forgive me and started praying for Daddy to have a desire for more children.
I was told we might never have children and God healed me from infertility blessed us with 3 children and I said (I'm done God Thanks but no thanks)...
I am over come with emotion just trying to write this blog...
Daddy and I have been praying together about what to do next, we have went on-line and found a Doctor  that does the surgery for $6092, I want Daddy to be happy and Gods word says Happy is the man who's quiver is full... Daddy is still feeling very content with 3 kids he does not understand why I want more, he argues that we don't have enough time now and what about money, I just want to continue to have all the blessings God has in store for us, I don't want to be done having babies, I'm not even 29 yet, I am not ready to NEVER nurse and rock a tiny miracle. My heart is so broken about this subject I can hardly even talk about it with my friends or family, most of who think 3 is enough anyway... I really truly want Gods will in our live about everything. I am continuing to pray for his will and Daddy's heart to change, not to make me happy but because he himself sees that another child in this Family would only bring joy. I am also through this time realizing how each of our children are so unique and I am experiencing joy with them that I think I was missing before in my rush to get through another long day with 3 little kids, I am able to realize how much they are changing and growing. I love being a mother just as much as being a wife, with all my heart and soul.