Saturday, May 9, 2009

Wednesday night

Last Saturday my sweet friend "K" came over to help me paint our kitchen (the kitchen is being remodeled and it in total disaster mode) I think in the 3 years that "K" and I have been best friends we have only ever been alone (with out 5-6 kids running around) one time.  Saturday we had it all planned out my mom watched my 3 and her mother in law watched her older children.  

Let me go back a bit further, when HD had his vasectomy reversal  the day we to fly out to TX "K" called me at the airport and she told me she was pregnant.  WOW I really at that moment thought of all the things we could do pregnant together, I would be a liar if I said that over the 9 months she was pregnant and I was still not that jealously crept in from time to time.

Now that little "H" is here he is such a joy!  In the last few months I however have felt so much pain by not being pregnant  that I have almost tried to distance myself from this little baby who if we wouldn't have been willing to share our story of pain and struggle after realizing that we had made a horrible mistake would not be here today, see "K" and her husband "Z" we going to have a vasectomy when we met them and our story touched their heart and now we have baby "H".  

Last Saturday as we sipped coffee and talked I held baby "H" and I told my sweet friend that I was so sorry because I have tried not to hold this little blessing because of the deep pain I feel in my heart....  She said she knew why I didn't hold him so much.  I was surprised because I thought I had done a good job of not talking about wanting a baby, I really don't want to be "That woman the woman who wants a baby bla bla bla"  I held baby "H" and just sobbed my sweet friend sobbed with me.  My heart was broken my heart is broken.  I told her how I try not to talk about it, that so many well meaning Christian friend have so many options about my fertility that its hard to talk about in small group or Sunday school.  I am tired of being told maybe you need to adopt or maybe God doesn't want you to have more children.  "K" encouraged me to talk to our small group to be real with them.  I felt healing start as I loved on this little baby, that day I decided I was not going to miss out on "H" being a baby because each time I have to hand him back I want to die inside, no I was going to love on this baby, I was going to let go and let God use me as part of his life.

Wednesday night on our way to church I asked HD to ask everyone to pray for us, I didn't want to do it I didn't want to cry I didn't want any opinions (although I myself always have one, hmmm that's not really fair is it).  When it was my turn to give prayer requests I asked for everyone to help us get our kitchen done and various things that were of no real importance to me and at the very last I asked for prayer for HD and I to have a baby, I did say that this was really hard for us and that I was struggling as soon as I started to get choked up I stopped talking.  At that point a very Godly man who is also a Prosecuting Attorney asked me a question I was afraid might be asked he asked me very kindly how do you know God wants you to have more children,  this story I had never shared with our group, I have a hard time talking about it its painful, I like to be the happy one in the room not the grieving one not the one ready to cry the moment the mention of a baby comes up, I want to be the life of the party....
So with apprehension I started to talk.  I told our group how with our first child we found out I had an infertility disease and might never have children but after 2 years of pain and fertility drugs we were blessed with our son Luke.  I told how when we were visiting Chicago we went to a prayer meeting and out of the blue a pastor came to me and asked if he could pray for me that pastor changed our life that day, he told us "God is going to heal your womb"  and I told our group that at that very moment I saw a silhouette of 4 children, I told our group how I was healed and had our next 2 children with no problem.  At this point I was really struggling to talk I felt not only a knot in my throat but a knot in my heart.  I told our group how when our baby girl was only 6 months old I was at Sams club and with a 4 year old who started throwing up a 2 year old who fell out of the cart and an infant who just had a blowout in her diaper, I made a call to the doctor and scheduled HD's vasectomy from the parking lot, I shared how we didn't ask God we did it, I pushed HD to do it.  I shared with this group how I carry the guilt of killing our 4th child, the guilt of ending the lives of the children God wanted for us.
I went on and shared how very quickly after his vasectomy I knew how wrong I had been not only for wanting HD to have a vasectomy but for pushing him to do it, not letting HD lead our family.  I told how I then asked and begged for over 6 months for HD to have a reversal, and how one day late summer he pulled the car over after one of my tearful begging sessions and HD told me never to ask him again he was so over it, he had a very painful surgery because I wanted him to, he has given in and done alot of things I have wanted him to but not this time. He was happy with the 3 children we had he wanted me to focus on them and never to ask him again as long as we lived!  I didn't ever ask again, I prayed, I prayed that God would change MY heart and take away the desire to have more children or change HD's heart.  Six months later HD came to me and told me God has changed my heart and I want to have children with you, we were wrong, he explained that he was happy with our 3 children but he knew that I would always miss the child God showed us on that day may years before, he explained how he would be happy with our family if it was 3 kids or 4 kids or more, he felt blessed....  so as you know we had the reversal and after 15 months we are still not pregnant.  
As I told our story every face in the room changed, I do not know what the opinions of this group were before I told this story but I do know after I was done they too knew that God's plan was for us to have more children.  I am very thankful for this Godly man who asked some questions, that he really wanted to understand why I was asking for prayer why I felt so sure, it's easy to have surface prayers and not really share when you have shame and quilt, its hard to open up and admit that some days you don't want to get out of bed, its hard to admit that you only act like the life of the party, you are really hurting inside.  At that point something very amazing happened the whole reason for this post.

Our leader stood up and asked HD and I to come to the middle of the room and let everyone place hands on us and pray.  I can not tell you how humbled I felt, we came to the middle of this group and with open hearts they took turns praying for us, praying for God to wipe away the lies Satan has put in my head about not being a good enough mother, the lies that we won't have children again, the lies that I am not good enough lies I didn't really realize I had been believing.  They prayed and plead with the Lord on our behalf, I felt like with each tear that fell, the pain eased, I felt with each tear that fell I gave God control.
I realized that over the last 15 months I have always tried to be in control, I have wanted to have a child like right now because our kids are getting older and I have always had a plan I have spent very little time really wanted Gods time.  I really today feel free, I feel like I am so blessed with the 3 children I have and I really want Gods time, it is perfect.  I feel lighter, I know there will be days I will feel guilty but I will remember I am not I am forgiven.

We are so blessed with our church family, we are blessed with a church who believes in the power of prayer we are blessed with Godly men who will ask questions to make sure your heart is in the right place, we have a teaching and preaching staff who teach biblical principals.  HD and I left our group knowing God is going to continue to bless this family.  We are a blessed family.

I do not know when God will give us the desire of our hearts I don't even know how, but I do know we are open, if its our own child or an adopted child, we are open, we are not in control Thank God....