Well, there is more than one way....

I last blogged about how my wonderful church family surrounded HD and I with love and prayers, helping us to step into the forgiveness God had given us from our past mistakes.  

Over the last two blogless months, we have traveled and spent time with family and friends.  First the kids and I went and visited Dana and the babies up in DC we went for a week, we swam and had a great time.  During our visit we met a family at the pool who our kids played with.  It was so much fun.

We came home just in time to have our annual 4th of July party, we had my brother and sister in law, and their children, Dana and Joe and Babies, and our Soldier girl Regan, as well as our family and friends from here, for a big party.  It was so much fun!  Except for the part where my niece "C" choked really choked on a War head candy, I had to do the Heimlich maneuver on her, word of advice this candy is so sour that at 6 it locked her jaw and she almost choked to death, very scary!  Thank you Mr. Heimlich for your maneuver.

Let me back track I get away with myself, I have so little time to blog these days I want to type as fast as I can before a child needs me....

Over the last few months, after we asked our group for prayer, yet again our hearts are changing, funny how when you give God control he takes it!  See my wonderful husband came to me a few weeks after we had the Wed. night prayer and asked me if I ever thought the reason we weren't pregnant yet was because God really wanted us to adopt?  I said " Well I hadn't really thought about it, I kind of feel like that's the last resort."  At this point he says I think maybe it's supposed to be the first resort...  WHAT?  HD goes on to explain that he is feeling God leading us to adopt, we know we really want a little girl we want Daisy to have a sister so much, and we feel like we should already have a child, I often feel like a 2 year old girl is missing?  So maybe just maybe God wants us to adopt our child and then and only then will he continue with his plans for us, to either get pregnant or not...  HD admitted to me he has always felt like we should adopt and if I was to get pregnant right now he would never seek out to adopt a 5th child ( he would like us to be able to eat) but if we adopt and then go on to have 5 or more children he would be fine with that!  WOW!  I have to say yet again, my husband is wonderful, a man who is totally happy with 3 kids, has a vasectomy reversal because he loves his wife so much, and now God has went on to show him that not only is he willing to have one more but all that God has for us is just what we both want.

 I have to tell you that it has been a whirl wind, we have looked into the Foster program in our state, with children who's parents, parental rights have been terminated and are for adoption, we are going to get the process started on that end.  We also found out that HD's company will give us 10,ooo$ toward the adoption of any child, infant or older.  We know that we want a girl, we also know she needs to be younger than Daisy.  To tell you the truth, I really have started to feel like my daughter is already born, and an urgency to go get her has formed in my heart.  

After our 4th of July party HD had to go out of town for 2 weeks and when he got this job and stopped traveling we made a commitment to always be together, so when Daddy goes we go!  So off we went back to DC. so I had 2 more weeks of fun swimming and playing and visiting Dana.  I spoke earlier of some people we met at the pool well, one day she mentioned her child's birth mother and my heart skipped a beat, I said "did you say birth mother" You know how when anything big is going on in you life you like to find people who have already walked this road and pick their brain, God placed this woman in my path and she was more than willing to fill me in on the whole process.  She told me of an agency in our State Capital who deals with foster adoption, infant adoption and placement.  I just know God put us together.  

I am making a phone call this morning to this agency and I am praying that his will be done.  I am now ready to start this process and I am ready for what God has for us.  I am sure this will be a long road, but no longer than the waiting I have already be doing.  So for those few who still read this from time to time pray for us, pray we can help a little girl have a better life, pray for our children who ask God daily to give this family more children,  pray for me that I can remain calm and steadfast in this time.  Thank you.

Wednesday night

Last Saturday my sweet friend "K" came over to help me paint our kitchen (the kitchen is being remodeled and it in total disaster mode) I think in the 3 years that "K" and I have been best friends we have only ever been alone (with out 5-6 kids running around) one time.  Saturday we had it all planned out my mom watched my 3 and her mother in law watched her older children.  

Let me go back a bit further, when HD had his vasectomy reversal  the day we to fly out to TX "K" called me at the airport and she told me she was pregnant.  WOW I really at that moment thought of all the things we could do pregnant together, I would be a liar if I said that over the 9 months she was pregnant and I was still not that jealously crept in from time to time.

Now that little "H" is here he is such a joy!  In the last few months I however have felt so much pain by not being pregnant  that I have almost tried to distance myself from this little baby who if we wouldn't have been willing to share our story of pain and struggle after realizing that we had made a horrible mistake would not be here today, see "K" and her husband "Z" we going to have a vasectomy when we met them and our story touched their heart and now we have baby "H".  

Last Saturday as we sipped coffee and talked I held baby "H" and I told my sweet friend that I was so sorry because I have tried not to hold this little blessing because of the deep pain I feel in my heart....  She said she knew why I didn't hold him so much.  I was surprised because I thought I had done a good job of not talking about wanting a baby, I really don't want to be "That woman the woman who wants a baby bla bla bla"  I held baby "H" and just sobbed my sweet friend sobbed with me.  My heart was broken my heart is broken.  I told her how I try not to talk about it, that so many well meaning Christian friend have so many options about my fertility that its hard to talk about in small group or Sunday school.  I am tired of being told maybe you need to adopt or maybe God doesn't want you to have more children.  "K" encouraged me to talk to our small group to be real with them.  I felt healing start as I loved on this little baby, that day I decided I was not going to miss out on "H" being a baby because each time I have to hand him back I want to die inside, no I was going to love on this baby, I was going to let go and let God use me as part of his life.

Wednesday night on our way to church I asked HD to ask everyone to pray for us, I didn't want to do it I didn't want to cry I didn't want any opinions (although I myself always have one, hmmm that's not really fair is it).  When it was my turn to give prayer requests I asked for everyone to help us get our kitchen done and various things that were of no real importance to me and at the very last I asked for prayer for HD and I to have a baby, I did say that this was really hard for us and that I was struggling as soon as I started to get choked up I stopped talking.  At that point a very Godly man who is also a Prosecuting Attorney asked me a question I was afraid might be asked he asked me very kindly how do you know God wants you to have more children,  this story I had never shared with our group, I have a hard time talking about it its painful, I like to be the happy one in the room not the grieving one not the one ready to cry the moment the mention of a baby comes up, I want to be the life of the party....

So with apprehension I started to talk.  I told our group how with our first child we found out I had an infertility disease and might never have children but after 2 years of pain and fertility drugs we were blessed with our son Luke.  I told how when we were visiting Chicago we went to a prayer meeting and out of the blue a pastor came to me and asked if he could pray for me that pastor changed our life that day, he told us "God is going to heal your womb"  and I told our group that at that very moment I saw a silhouette of 4 children, I told our group how I was healed and had our next 2 children with no problem.  At this point I was really struggling to talk I felt not only a knot in my throat but a knot in my heart.  I told our group how when our baby girl was only 6 months old I was at Sams club and with a 4 year old who started throwing up a 2 year old who fell out of the cart and an infant who just had a blowout in her diaper, I made a call to the doctor and scheduled HD's vasectomy from the parking lot, I shared how we didn't ask God we did it, I pushed HD to do it.  I shared with this group how I carry the guilt of killing our 4th child, the guilt of ending the lives of the children God wanted for us.

I went on and shared how very quickly after his vasectomy I knew how wrong I had been not only for wanting HD to have a vasectomy but for pushing him to do it, not letting HD lead our family.  I told how I then asked and begged for over 6 months for HD to have a reversal, and how one day late summer he pulled the car over after one of my tearful begging sessions and HD told me never to ask him again he was so over it, he had a very painful surgery because I wanted him to, he has given in and done alot of things I have wanted him to but not this time. He was happy with the 3 children we had he wanted me to focus on them and never to ask him again as long as we lived!  I didn't ever ask again, I prayed, I prayed that God would change MY heart and take away the desire to have more children or change HD's heart.  Six months later HD came to me and told me God has changed my heart and I want to have children with you, we were wrong, he explained that he was happy with our 3 children but he knew that I would always miss the child God showed us on that day may years before, he explained how he would be happy with our family if it was 3 kids or 4 kids or more, he felt blessed....  so as you know we had the reversal and after 15 months we are still not pregnant.  

As I told our story every face in the room changed, I do not know what the opinions of this group were before I told this story but I do know after I was done they too knew that God's plan was for us to have more children.  I am very thankful for this Godly man who asked some questions, that he really wanted to understand why I was asking for prayer why I felt so sure, it's easy to have surface prayers and not really share when you have shame and quilt, its hard to open up and admit that some days you don't want to get out of bed, its hard to admit that you only act like the life of the party, you are really hurting inside.  At that point something very amazing happened the whole reason for this post.

Our leader stood up and asked HD and I to come to the middle of the room and let everyone place hands on us and pray.  I can not tell you how humbled I felt, we came to the middle of this group and with open hearts they took turns praying for us, praying for God to wipe away the lies Satan has put in my head about not being a good enough mother, the lies that we won't have children again, the lies that I am not good enough lies I didn't really realize I had been believing.  They prayed and plead with the Lord on our behalf, I felt like with each tear that fell, the pain eased, I felt with each tear that fell I gave God control.

I realized that over the last 15 months I have always tried to be in control, I have wanted to have a child like right now because our kids are getting older and I have always had a plan I have spent very little time really wanted Gods time.  I really today feel free, I feel like I am so blessed with the 3 children I have and I really want Gods time, it is perfect.  I feel lighter, I know there will be days I will feel guilty but I will remember I am not I am forgiven.

We are so blessed with our church family, we are blessed with a church who believes in the power of prayer we are blessed with Godly men who will ask questions to make sure your heart is in the right place, we have a teaching and preaching staff who teach biblical principals.  HD and I left our group knowing God is going to continue to bless this family.  We are a blessed family.

I do not know when God will give us the desire of our hearts I don't even know how, but I do know we are open, if its our own child or an adopted child, we are open, we are not in control Thank God....

Vacation part 2

So our cruise was amazing!  I loved every minute on the ship, I had really been worried about motion sickness but I never felt even the slightest bit ill the whole time.  Now let me tell you something you might not know about cruising, the staff of the ship act like you are someone famous!  Really you are treated like Royalty for a whole week.  Every time we left our cabin our stateroom attendant Michael would come in and straiten up, like 5 times a day.

We left the ship early on Saturday morning and off we hurried to the shuttle bus and back to the airport to catch our flight to the Bahamas.  Our plane was not much bigger than a tin can, it even had propellers on the sides, I like big planes this was very far from big.  So we all crammed in to the "little plane" and we were off!

We landed in the Bahamas with in 45 minutes.  As we entered customs things get interesting the man helping us with our bags being that we are such a big group, 2 wheel chairs, 2 strollers, 3 small kids with over loaded back packs and 4 other adults all pulling carry on luggage he took us to a special window were an over sized woman sat filing her nails.  As we approached she made a funny face at me and then went on to say "I can not believe you have brought these people to my line you have ruined my whole day"  at this point I look around because I know  she is not talking to me like that, HD kind of got a chuckle out of that....  Now let me say she was not saying this jokingly she was saying this with the chicken head bob'n back and forth she was mad we had interrupted her nail filing session, I could not believe it!  Could not!  I still can't.  We finished our documents while she huffed and puffed at us and then we ran off to collect our bags.

We had prepaid for transportation from the airport to the resort Atlantis.  We got on our bus, all eleven of us and 2 other couples.  Again I am shocked the woman driving the bus starts telling us about the local fair and she starts using crude humor, we did not laugh, my 3 kids are on this bus and she is talking about sex and saying things that are totally inappropriate, now I am huffing and puffing and sighing loudly but she just talked louder.  Did you know they drive on the wrong side of the road in the Bahamas?  They do.  As we pulled up to the resort she says check under your seat and make sure you have your purses and wallets because big mama does not return things left on her bus I will be having a party tonight....  Then get this she wanted a tip she hoovered around like she would get a tip for driving us now mind you we paid over 100$ for our 15 minuted drive.  I looked at her and told her strait up the only tip you are gonna get is "not to tell jokes about stealing from me if I leave something on your bus!" I then walked away!  

The resort was huge and it was beautiful!  We hurried inside to check in, that went smoothly.  I will tell you more about Atlantis and the people of the island in a few days.... 

Our vacation part 1

Hi do you remember me, Happy Mommy the sometimes funny, sometimes sad, sometimes overwhelmed woman who used to write here?   It's me and yes we are alive!  I know its been forever and I have been thinking alot about just shutting this whole thing down, but then that means I can't come back, and what if I want to write something.  So I figure if I write every now and then and not just for the comments which you all know I love but I write because I want to this might just be fun again.  I will not shut the site down I am going to keep writing but as I said before, when I can.   I am happy to say HD still has a job and we do not have to move.  God has stepped in again and made a way for us to remain right where we are and I am so grateful and thankful!

Now on with part one of our family vacation~

We left our house on March 27 for our two week vacation, we drove to DC which is about a four hour drive.  We left that evening after HD got off work so we were getting a late start.  I had the car packed, I don't know how I did it I really don't we had 5 large suitcases, 3 back packs, 2 carry on suitcases and my purse.  By the time we arrived at Dana and Joe's house it was after 9 pm and HD immediately started helping Joe pack his minivan too.  Did I mention we had 11 people going on this two week vacation?  ELEVEN!  That's 5 small children 2 of them are not potty trained, two couples and my mom who is handicapped and can't walk long distances and my grandma who is 78 and also can't walk long distances....

Very shortly after we got to Dana's and I mean very shortly only about 15 minutes my mom called me down stairs and said something was wrong with my son Bo.  I started to come down the stairs as he was coming up to show me.  He held out his had and it was evidently broken!  I took him by the shoulders and told him to sit down right where he was I told him he had broken his hand and that it was going to be ok, we were just going to go to the hospital and he would be just fine, all the while he was white as a ghost and was starting to shake.

I told HD to get directions from Joe and off we went.  I could totally tell this hand was broken at the bone where the pinky finger attaches to the hand, fingers are not supposed to stick out sideways like that!!!  On the drive over to the hospital HD said yeah it's broken, when he showed it to me I kissed it and said it's ok buddy,  At this point I am not sure my ears are working correctly, I ask him did Bo come to you BEFORE he came to me?  HD answers yes, I know it looked funny but we are going on a Cruise in less than 12 hours so I didn't want it to be broken.  Again I say WHAT!  He said I sent him to you, I needed a minute to think about what I just saw and I know fingers are not supposed to do that.

After a very short time at the hospital, and a few Xrays later yes he has a broken bone, the one between his pinky finger and his hand, they made a removable cast and we would be able to splint it while we were in the pools and on the beaches during our Cruise and then while we were at Atlantis as well.

We got home at around mid night and he was still doing really well for breaking his hand.  He never cried, he is really a trooper!  We hurried off to bed, we had to get up at 4am to be at the airport at 5.

The airport with that many people is crazy.  We had a child with a broken arm who now was not feeling so well.  We had two babies who where crying because well its 5 am, and two women in wheelchairs, if we wanted to draw attention to ourselves we accomplished it that's for sure.

The flight to FL was short only about 2 hours, the kids all did really well, until we landed and Reese was very sick!  She started throwing up.  By 2 we were finally on the ship.  We went on Royal Caribbeans Liberty of the Sea.  It was amazing.  I really had no idea of how big these ships are it really is like a city on the water!  

  

It' been a long two weeks!

We have had so much going on the last few weeks.  We are still very uncertain about HD's job, the good news is with so many people loosing their jobs, we might have to move but he will have his job.  I don't really like the choices they are giving us but we will see.  This Thursday the official offer will be given and we have a week to respond.  We will take the offer and we plan to move.  I really hate this for our kids we have such a great church family and they love it here.

I have been praying nonstop about what God wants us to do and I feel like no matter where we live he will use us and we will be blessed!  He tells us in his word Go and spread the Gospel, so we will go and He will guide us.

We had 14 inches of snow which totally wiped our community out of power, we were with out power and with a well that also means with out running water for 2 days some people were with out power for over a week.  We ate hot dogs in our fireplace for 2 days, oh and sweet  potatoes roasted in the fire.  On the up side we had a great time playing in the snow and eating snow cream.

I will post some snow pictures later today.  I am off to teach some math!  Happy Tuesday!