Saturday, April 21, 2007

Family

I talked with Daddy again this morning about another baby... Daddy had a vasectomy a year ago last Feb. Lilu was only 7 months old. It was by my recommending that he had this done, I had been at SAMS CLUB, Bo got sick, Luke fell out of the cart and before we could even get to the car Hannah had a major blow out! I was so tired, I did not want more children I was done, so from the parking lot of SAMS I called and made Daddy the appt. When we went for the initial consultation I lied my way through all the questions, 1. are you sure you don't want anymore children(NO MORE) 2. Have you thought about this for sometime you are still very young(YES)3.what if one of your children dies will you still be ok with this decision(YES). I was not sure if I was really ready to make a life long decision about our family at 27 and 30 years old, I would never be ok with the death of a child and only having 2 children...
I started to feel horrible guilt when  Daisy turned 1, I thought it will pass, then around the fall I was just plagued with guilt I prayed for God to forgive me for asking Daddy to have a vasectomy and for not letting God plan our Family, I started getting rid of some of our baby things only to feel much worse about what we had done! I have since stopped asking God to forgive me and started praying for Daddy to have a desire for more children.
I was told we might never have children and God healed me from infertility blessed us with 3 children and I said (I'm done God Thanks but no thanks)...
I am over come with emotion just trying to write this blog...
Daddy and I have been praying together about what to do next, we have went on-line and found a Doctor  that does the surgery for $6092, I want Daddy to be happy and Gods word says Happy is the man who's quiver is full... Daddy is still feeling very content with 3 kids he does not understand why I want more, he argues that we don't have enough time now and what about money, I just want to continue to have all the blessings God has in store for us, I don't want to be done having babies, I'm not even 29 yet, I am not ready to NEVER nurse and rock a tiny miracle. My heart is so broken about this subject I can hardly even talk about it with my friends or family, most of who think 3 is enough anyway... I really truly want Gods will in our live about everything. I am continuing to pray for his will and Daddy's heart to change, not to make me happy but because he himself sees that another child in this Family would only bring joy. I am also through this time realizing how each of our children are so unique and I am experiencing joy with them that I think I was missing before in my rush to get through another long day with 3 little kids, I am able to realize how much they are changing and growing. I love being a mother just as much as being a wife, with all my heart and soul.

2 comments:

Kelly said...

Hi. I was reading your back posts b/c I was searching for entries on reversals. I am in the same spot you were at the time. 3 young kids, overwhelmed, sent my husband in for the reversal and now I am kicking myself for being so selfish! I now am feeling I want a 4th but I know it is a long road ahead for it to be possible. You are lucky it all went so well! When I told my husband what you wrote about the actual procedure....he went pale in face!

Kelly said...

Thanks for the response. I didn't post it b/c I have some family members and friends who, to my dismay, have found my blog and I haven't told about the vasectomy/and or reversal quest yet! I was looking for a link to your email address but I couldn't find one (I don't have one either) so I had to do it thru a comment. You don't even have to post this comment if you don't want to...I just wanted to say thanks!